Only I.

Only I could sprain a finger with a toothpick.

Only I would not even remember laying a toothpick
on the counter the night before.

Only I would wait to throw it in the trash.

Only I would cover it with a paper towel.

Only I would grab the paper towel first thing in the morning,
before I had my tea, to wipe up the counter,
not knowing there lurked danger underneath.

Only I could therefore jabbed two fingers
with said toothpick, severely spraining my little finger.

Only I have a friend at work, who comes in late everyday,
so I can call him to pick up finger splints on his way to work.

Only I could lock myself out of my house two days before that
after taking out the trash and forgetting that the above-referenced
friend, who replaced the lock the week before, warned me it could easily happen
with this new type of lock.
(Luckily when he told me this, I hid one key in my secret hiding place outside.
Yes, I have locked myself out quite a few times).

Only I, the day before, got my car key jammed into the key ring
so that it took five minutes to get it out of the ignition when I arrived at work.